Manifesting my Tesla
About eight months ago, I went to a retreat which was about manifesting and letting go of our subconscious blocks. We were asked to imagine our ideal future where there were no limits. We were asked to imagine anything that seemed “ridiculous” because nothing was impossible. I decided to imagine owning a Tesla. I had never been inside one nor did I know anyone who owned one of these luxurious and beautiful electric vehicles. The thought immediately felt ridiculous because money was tight and my nine-year old Prius was doing the job of taking me where I needed to go. As silly as it seemed, I figured there would be no harm in using my imagination for a few minutes and to let go of the self-judgment in owning something expensive.
I imagined sitting inside a white Tesla with the new car smell and wrapping my hands around the soft leather steering wheel. I admired its sleek black interior as I drove through my neighborhood. I had this feeling of, “I did it!” And “Wow, this feels so nice!” As soon we finished the exercise, I let it go into the Universe. I didn’t beg the Universe for it but just released the feelings and the thought of owning one out of my hands.
When I purchased my Prius nine years earlier, I was in a going-nowhere-relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I was working a miserable attorney job where I was commuting over 70 miles a day around Los Angeles County, running from court appearances to depositions from the South Bay to the Valley and back to the office to write meaningless court motions and office memos. I gave all of myself to my demanding job, spent no time with my family and friends and cursed my life. I traded in my Audi for a Prius because of the outrageously high gas prices at the time. Everything I did and felt was a reaction to what was happening to me. I made the most practical choices and thought staying at a stressful job to pay off my student debt was my only choice. It became a vicious circle: the more practical I became, the less pleasure I had in life; the harder I chased after the money, the more it eluded me.
While settling back into my day-to-day life after the retreat, something had shifted inside me. I couldn’t help but devour books and courses on receiving from the Universe, manifesting, and learning to let go and live life. I meditated more and more, and began to see the miracles occur everyday as situations and opportunities yielded itself to me. I no longer struggled against the current. I was no longer the miserable, cursed attorney from nine years earlier but a relieved soul with many ideas on expanding and a desire to share that energy with others.
Throughout my journey of self discovery, my Prius, with its sagging front bumper, would still continue to greet me everyday when I walked down from my office to head home. Every few months, the wire holding up the bumper needed to be rewrapped because it wore down from being scraped on every driveway it went on and every dip in the street. Despite the bumper and peeling interior, the Prius was still my oasis during traffic. I appreciated its dependability and how it had served me when I needed it.
One day, while at the mall to exchange a shirt, my husband and I passed by a Tesla store and my husband said, “Hey, let’s check out these cars.” I had not thought about my manifestation exercise for eight months but going to the store started to rekindle that thought. As I still clutched the shirt to be exchanged in my hand, I slid into the driver’s seat of the model car. I put my hands on the cool steering wheel and thought, “This is familiar…” It felt exhilarating but my mind still nagged me that I could not financially do this and that I was being greedy and narcissistic for wanting something so nice for myself. As the feelings of guilt and shame of having anything “luxury” ran through me, one of the sales associate popped his head at the driver’s side window and said, “Did you know if you buy a Tesla this year, you will get $10,000 in rebates and tax credits?” With that I did the calculations in my head and found the numbers could actually work out. At the time, my son was finishing his expensive day care and transitioning to public school which freed up the funds we would need. Recognizing the timing as being just right, we signed up for a test drive. After six weeks, my Tesla was ready. I said goodbye to my Prius and realized it was a new chapter in my life. Although the Tesla is just a car, it represented a new way of living. It struck me that I do not need to deny myself, or be in lack, in order to feel that I was doing the “right thing.” I can enjoy life and have nice things. The nice things don’t make my life but are a result of me releasing the self who could not receive. I was finally allowing myself to love me.